The Wonders of What If

Sitting here I would like to think I have my life together… I feel like I have wasted so much time lately sitting at the bottom of a bottle.  It’s been rough the last two years with the divorce and my mother dying… being in and out of court with the random battles of the EX and dealing with her life choices.  But most of all it’s me.  I have been out of my element.  So far removed from my day to day routine.  There is really no routine anymore.  I used to wake up early and go to bed late… constantly dreaming shit up and creating random works of art.  That has died by no hands but of my own.  I feel like I am trapped in a proverbial ground hog day.  Stuck in some sort of rut were they days are a blur and meaningless.  Like there is no real end or beginning to any of it.  I some times sit there and wonder… What If… so many what if’s… what if I would have finished school like I was supposed to… what if I would have married the right women the first time around… What if things were different… then I realize… they are.  Everyday I sit there and think about all the wonderful things that I could be doing to make my life better as I drink a bottle of wine.

Where to go from here… What do I do now…  How do I get back on track with who I am and what I am supposed to be doing with my life?  Is there a bigger meaning to all of this?  If so how will I know when I am there?  I used to think that there was some defining moment that would make you an ADULT… now I realize it’s nothing more than just trying to accomplish what you wanted to as a child, only now you actually have the resources to do some of it.  I made a pair of pants today… Comfy Pants… I made them out of a blanket.  In doing so I realized things are never what you envision them to be.  There was too much crotch room the first time around… after tweaking and tweaking I got them right.  I feel that’s kinda how life is.  It’s a project, one that requires constant tweaking and alterations.  In the end you try to end up with the prefect product but it’s never what you truly envisioned.  You go back to the drawing board so many times… at some point you have to cut your losses and move on.  But in the end, there is always something there.  Something that you created and something you have to show for it… no matter how ugly it may be… It’s still there.

So I guess I will try and make another pair of pants… take my time with this pair and really ensure that all the seams match perfectly and in the end I might get something that is worth wild.

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