what am I doing?  Fuck if I know…

But I do know one thing, I’m getting fat again… Nah that’s not it.  There are so many things that swirl around in my fucked up head.  Mainly Narcissism mixed with self doubt, a splash of “I’m a Fucking Idiot” and a sprinkle of,  “God Damn it, I did it again”.

But such is life, and so goes mine, I have had enough Kava to kill a small horse… Anyway.  I feel like cranking up Metallica’s Sad But True.  It just seems to fit my fucking mood right now.  Which is funny cause I just got done meditating for over 30 Minutes and I usually feel so much better, NOT TODAY!  I do feel like all I did was sit in some fucked up AA Meeting where all of my twisted thoughts decided to show up and keep me company.  Good for them for being on time for once, I mean usually the just creep on in like some distant Brother-In-Law, “Oh goody, You’re here…”

If I could stick a shotgun barrel in my mouth and ONLY blow off the fucked up side of my brain AND STILL LIVE (Wanted to make that clear – I don’t want to die), I would in a heart beat.  Its like some sort of really twisted love hate relationship between my mind and I.

Example A:

I’m sitting there having a conversation with a person.  Its going great, I’m actually interested with what they’re talking about.  And then my fucked up mind shows up with the thought, “What would happen if you just punched this mother fucker in the face!?”

I sit there arguing with it and try to hold a conversation, Its like trying to deal with a back seat driver while listening to your favorite song.  THEN… good ‘ol Mind (We’ll call him Frank)… Frank shows back up with, “How funny would it be to slap that scolding hot coffee out of his hand and right into his face???  Eh??? Funny Huh??”

No God Damn IT! Shut the fuck up Frank!!! I’m trying to listen to Metallica!

And then this is where Tony breaks it, “Say HELLO… To my, Little Friend”


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