Finding Peace… but it’s in pieces…

My inner wold is…. well… to say the least… in turmoil.  I love who I was… not what drugs and alcohol have made me.  But then again I guess that’s not the really me.

You see I have this problem… I’m hyper vigilant subconsciously… I am addicted to chaos and drama. I create a lot of my own drama to… I didn’t always know that I was doing this… and if I tried to admit it… my subconscious would make me think

no way there’s nothing wrong…. it’s everyone else… you’re right so keep pushing until they see it your way

But it never was that way.  Things that would bother me… should not bother a normal person… ever… at all.

When I would create the drama I would look real deep at something meaningless… make up some hidden negative meaning… attack the person that I felt was responsible… argue my point and them into submission… and the fix the situation… since I cause the drama… I was able to mend it… or so I thought. But it was never truly mended.  There were scars everywhere from what I have been doing… on my kids… my wife… my marriage… my career…

You know… anything I have ever worried about…. was never nearly as bad as I thought I would or made it out to be…. ever…

I surrender to the fact that I can not control people and situations anymore.  I surrender to the fact that I am powerless to Alcohol and Drugs…

It’s time to reach deep…. and keep my fucking mouth shut and see things for what they really are.

Buddha…. what have you gained from meditation

Nothing… but let me tell you what I have lost…. stress… anxiety… desire… lust… anger… depression… ego…

Smile… laugh… and only judge me when you yourself are perfect….

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